“You’re in full process right now” said my teacher, at the outset of my last reading. 

Duh. I knew that. Yet, as she said those words, I felt a deep sigh of relief move through my being. I knew it, but apparently I had to pay someone else to tell me.

This is actually how a good reading works; Your psychic will tell you a bunch of stuff that, on some level, you already know. Hopefully they’ll tell you some new stuff too, but it’s often the stuff that you already know that is the most valuable to hear. Why? Because you know it, in your heart, or in your gut, or wherever, but there’s often so much other distraction going on inside; your mind chattering away, your emotions emoting all over the place. It’s like a 3-ring circus in there! (I’m speaking for myself, but I don’t think I’m alone here…) Sometimes the truth gets lost amongst all of the other internal noise. So, yes, even psychics go to other psychics. Reading yourself is hard!

Anyway, when my teacher told me I was in a process, I already knew that. I have been undergoing some kind of a massive, healing transformation for many months now. It’s been quite uncomfortable, and it’s also unclear as to what exactly is going on or where exactly I’m headed.

I have been trying hard to fix it and to create comfort and clarity where there is none. It hasn’t been working. When it doesn’t work, I get stressed out, and even more uncomfortable and more unclear. During my reading my teacher said that at least 50% of my suffering is happening just because I think things should be different.

Right. Just let yourself be in your process, Megan.

When I remember that, it feels like relief.

Until I forget again.

This is how it’s been going: remember that I’m in a process, let myself be there, let go of thinking or acting or feeling like it needs to be different. Feel better. Forget I’m in a process. Try to fix it, fail at doing so, feel like shit, get frustrated, feel alone and lost. Remember that I’m in a process. Feel better. Forget I’m in a process. Try to fix it … Rinse and repeat.

Why do I keep forgetting? Well, for one, we have no cultural narrative for being “in a process”. In our culture, if you feel like shit, you’re supposed to fix it. And if you can’t fix it, then there’s something wrong with you. As an aside, you can see how this narrative really fits right in there with capitalism. You feel bad? Buy these pills, this motorcycle, this dress, this face cream. Still feel bad? There must be something wrong with you, but we can fix it for 5 easy payments of 49.99.

But I digress.

We are often in a process, even if we don’t talk about it in our culture.

It’s what we sometimes refer to as our “higher selves” over here in woo-woo land that puts us into a process. “Higher selves” is really just a simple, albeit overused, term for the deep intelligence that lives within each of us. This intelligence is beyond the thinking mind or the emotions. It is the wisdom of the force that animates all of life, and it is present in all beings. This wisdom evolves us forward, expands, grows, and is constantly healing itself back into its wholeness. Because we are each embodied forms of this wisdom, we too are constantly evolving, expanding, growing and healing. This is happening all of the time, but sometimes it happens more quickly and intensely than other times. These more intense times are what I’m calling “a process”.

This deeper intelligence that lives in us, that lives in all things and evolves us forward, puts us in a process whenever it needs to. Whenever it’s time.

Sometimes we are very consciously involved in our process. We might decide; I’m really going to work on my communication skills, or I’m going to try and find a job that satisfies me on a deeper level, or something like that. Then we go and do stuff to work towards that. This opens up a process. Sometimes the process finds us; someone we loves passes or we injure ourselves, for example, and we are whisked away into a different world, a world where we are faced with the option to either find a way to transform or to continue to suffer. If we choose transformation, we will go through a process. Other times we have no plan to change ourselves and no external trigger, and yet we are, mysteriously, whisked into a process anyway.

As I mentioned, these different examples of coming into process are all driven by the same force, the same wisdom. This wisdom is not always conscious to us; it pushes us forward, nudges us toward our potential, and sometimes that means something like feeling really angry for awhile without knowing why, or having insomnia for 3 months for no (apparent) reason. Without a cultural narrative around this, we might feel like we’re broken. 

Resisting the process (i.e. trying to fix it or make it go away, like I’ve been doing) can be super-detrimental. It can make the changes that are trying to happen take A LOT longer. It can even stall them permanently. (Some people spend their whole lives resisting a process!)

I should mention that resisting a process is not the same as taking care of yourself during a process. Self care is actually super helpful during these times of healing and transformation; with proper self care we can support and help the process move forward. However, there also has to be an element of surrender, of allowing, of trusting that there is a higher and deeper wisdom will take us where we need to go in this life (and to admit that, despite our plans, we actually have no idea where that is!).

There is a softening that can happen when we do this – a deep accommodation. This speeds the process up, and even allows us to access joy within it. It takes the “work” out of it, and unwinds some huge portion of the suffering.

Sometimes, with a big, extra-challenging process, it can feel like a tall order to try and allow it, to trust it, to surrender to it. Yet, this is what we are being called to do. A good place to start (and come back to again and again) is the simple remembering that we are in a process (getting readings can help!) and that it will change someday. Connecting with our higher selves can also be helpful. Sometimes we get so disconnected from who we are, we feel as if we are simply made of minds, bodies, egos and emotions. We forget that here is a deeper level of our being that it at work. Taking time to connect with this part of ourselves, the one that is brought us into this process in the first place, can help us remember that this part of us knows exactly what it’s doing, even if we don’t consciously understand it all.

Connection with our higher selves is not something that most of us have been taught, so here’s a quick lesson (from someone who is still learning): There is no right way to connect with this part of you, you only need to have the intention. With the intention, you can sit and meditate, sing, have a conversation with or at least talk to this part of you, ask him/her/it to be present  with you, ask to feel him/her/it, make some art, look at your altar, sit near a river or a tree, or anything else that feels right. It’s up to you, and it’s incredibly personal. The point is to make the connection, and to do it in a way that feels authentic to you.

It can also help to simply make space for the process. Even at the best of times we know very little about our processes and how they work. Science tells us that we, in general, are about 99% unconscious (!). Luckily, we don’t have to know. It might be interesting to the thinking mind to know what’s going on, but it’s really not necessary. It helps the energy move to just make some space for whatever’s happening. If you’re running around all day doing this and that, the subconscious part of you will have to work around the edges and in the background and while you’re sleeping. Which it can and will do. However, taking some time each day to just be, with nothing in particular to do, can really support the process. (Restorative yoga, anyone?)

We can also find and go to the people who will validate and hold space for our process. We live in a society that denies our spiritual reality, so you might not be able to go to work and say “I’m in a huge transformative process right now, a bunch of old stuff from my childhood is coming up and it’s really overwhelming” or something like that, but you can find and connect with healers and friends who you can say that too, and let them validate, reflect and hold you. 

Anyway, this is where I’m at. In full process. Trying to remember that, forgetting it and then remembering again, finding the people who get it, being with my higher self, making space, surrendering to the unknown.

Somewhere in all of this, I also feel pretty excited. This is a big process that I’m in, and I know that, even though I don’t understand much, a big process means big healing and big transformation. I know on the other side of this that I will be significantly freer of a lot of my baggage, and that I will feel better and more like myself than I ever have. Man! Something to look forward to! 

I can’t wait.

 

Widening Circles

I live my life in widening circles
that reach out across the world.
I may not ever complete the last one,
but I give myself to it.

I circle around God, that primordial tower.
I have been circling for thousands of years,
and I still don’t know: am I a falcon,
a storm, or a great song?

                                                             ~ Rainer Maria Rilke